Fun in Dysfunction: Gaming Made Us Craziezzz
Posted by Surface Lizard on Sunday, 29th August, 2010
Dear readers of the Daily Moralist. There is a virulent plague sweeping our youth, desecrating their fragile sensibilities and turning them into an amoral, rampaging gang of hoodlums screaming for death, drinking human blood and putting harmless cats into wheelie bins. Gone are the days when we could soundly thrash our children, starve them for a week and then let them play with lead soldiers. These are extreme times, and an extreme measure must be taken. First, however, you must be made aware of this silent, vile abomination, and what damage it is inflicting in our sweet cherubs. I refer, of course, to these so-called ‘TV games’, or ‘video games’ as the foul peddlers who sell this filth call them. Parents, read on, and beware…
Let me offer some examples of this danger lurking in so many homes. One child was so obsessed with a game featuring a plumber called Mario that he STOLE MUSHROOMS from a field and then ATE THEM. Clearly, this vegetable larceny is unthinkable for any socially minded youth to contemplate. Another vulnerable child was obsessed with the pornographic-sounding Metal Gear Solid games, featuring a character named Solid Snake, which is surely a name found only in the vilest German debauchery. This child, influenced by the game, spent twenty minutes HIDING IN A CARDBOARD BOX. Not only are our youths behaving like baboons due to these games; many of them are so addicted they play them for EXCESSIVE amounts of time. One child, who we cannot name for legal reasons, was reported to have spent TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES with one of these ‘games’. The damage could have been severe, as he was rushed to hospital complaining of a mild thirst and dead leg where he had been sitting on it. He was mere minutes from death, assuredly.
We have consulted with renowned German psychologist Dr Ütter Quack, and he has provided us with SHOCKING evidence of the damage these games can inflict. Parents, know the signs. The latest threats are ‘toy consoles’ from companies named Micro Soft Satan and Sony Entertaining Computers Devils, called the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. It is no accident that this number, 360, is exactly half of the NUMBER OF THE DEVIL – 666. Parents, do you want your children playing with Satan daily on this ghastly SlayStation? Unless we have more games such as Barbie Horse Adventures, we are casting our children to the flames. Read on and you will soon comprehend the danger facing our children, greater even than the demonic pop albums of Michael Buble and Pixie Lott.
GAME: Dead Space
The grim and benighted world of Dead Space is one of perpetual despair, hidden whispers and alluded to atrocity. Playing through the vulnerable and reactive eyes of ordinary engineer Isaac Clarke, caught within a hellish persecution, is to immerse yourself in Dead Space and almost punish yourself with a gaming experience of unsurpassed intensity, and one that does not relent for an instant. Every dark corner hides a potential Necromorph, and once you have felt the almost palpable impact of a dismembered abomination in the shadowy depths of an abandoned space vessel, your sanity will struggle to recover. When you have endured the almost agonised experience of a derelict areas, and once populated regions now haunted by distant, warped music and walking, deformed crew members, it is perhaps inevitable that you will succumb to phantasmagoria. Phantasmagoria is the delusion that the supernatural, morbid and horrifying linger in all things, and Dead Space is the game to have to edging through life. Even on the sunniest days, you will see only ruins, hear the yells of the tormented and be unable to release the pervading fear of horror exuding from every angle of your world. Assaulting a pensioner with a rivet gun and claiming you thought she was a Necromorph due to her slightly withered hands will not stand in a court of law, it must be added. I speak from experience.
GAME: Kameo: Elements of Power
PSYCHOSIS: Clinical Lycanthropy
A delightful and psychedelic fantasy action game starring an affable young elf named Kameo. Surely there can be no danger to psychological well being in such an innocuous scenario? Such naiveté is a danger to us all, for Kameo is exactly a hazard as it appears so inoffensive, and the damage is insidious and powerful. Kameo, heroine she may be, is also a protean harlot, able to change her shape and form at will. We live in a world that favours consistency, and Kameo is a perilous breach to that safety. One moment she assumes the appearance of a shambling armadillo, then an aggressive yeti, and then into what can only be described as a pugilistic vegetable. Younger players with no sense of perspective will soon find themselves, after several hours of this disruptive game, prone to bouts of clinical lycanthropy. They will believe themselves transformed to animal form, despite the evidence of their own eyes. It does not need to be stressed that to consider yourself a walking vegetable, or able to spit fireballs, will only hinder progress in the real world. Players of Kameo afflicted with this saddening affliction have often been seen in supermarkets empathising with the sprouts or running at brick walls believing their shell will protect them. For these cases, it is often too late to save them, and doctors are forced to lobotomise.
PSYCHOSIS: Transvestic Fetishism
If ever a game was made to answer the Zen question about the sound of one hand fapping, then surely that game must be Bayonetta. The astute and aware will soon realise that, whilst there is a compelling game to be found here, there also lurks a mechanism to lead the unwary gamer to a lifelong problem with transvestic fetishism. What other ‘game’ would allow you to soil yourself in assuming the lithe and barely-clad form of a fetishised witch; part librarian and part burlesque, with legs twice the length of her torso? After only your first quasi-naked ‘climax’ special attack, the damage will begin to infect your unconscious mind. The furry-palmed onanists may delight in Bayonetta’s revealing and wholly unsavoury taunts, her legs splayed wide, but this desire will invariably permeate into the real world. It may begin with an occasional moment in your mother’s or girlfriend’s nightdress, but from this point of dementia, the psychological impairment caused by Bayonetta is almost impossible to reverse. Within only weeks, test subjects have degenerated from Laura Ashley frocks of a weekend to overt thong wearing and PVC catsuits in public. From there, the inevitable result is, in all cases, crotchless underwear and prison sentences for indecent exposure. If you have encountered this game, and find yourself even considering entering an Ann Summers store or purchasing a Scissor Sisters CD, seek immediate high-voltage cerebral shock therapy. There may still be hope for you.
GAME: Fallout 3
PSYCHOSIS: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Fallout is a fitting name for this most malicious of games, for that is exactly what it will inflict upon your mental equilibrium. Many have lauded this title for being not so much a mere game as a transcendent experience, but to praise such a vile taint is folly indeed. Enter a world of intimidating, ruined realism, almost without boundary, and seek to progress your character in all avenues. The very lack of constraint is an immediate recipe for any player to develop a severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. This anxiety disorder will rapidly become the focus of your days, forcing you to fixate on every aspect of the holocaustal world before you. Every location will be scoured inch by inch, every NPC spoken with twenty times ‘just in case’ and you will waste days of your life examining every derelict shack, refuse pile and corpse in the doomed world, as the thought of missing a single item or bottlecap makes you physically convulse with fevered shakes. This will soon spill into your wider reality and render you incapable of social interaction. One poor victim of Fallout 3 found himself unable to leave the house unless he said the name Pee Wee Herman seven hundred times, and another was unable to speak to a member of the opposite sex unless he first stood on one foot for exactly four minutes and eleven seconds.
GAME: World of Warcraft
We are all aware of the perils of these online RPGs, with Korean gamers regularly playing for six hundred and twenty four hours without a break and then their head exploding just like the scene in Scanners. Online, social gaming is far from the future of the communication medium and interactive content distribution; it is a one-way path to dementia and the cold walls of the sanatorium. Due to the sheer amount of time involved with these games, as well as interaction with other equally dependant neurotics, World of Warcraft poses a very real threat of throttling the mind with depersonalisation; a loss of reality in which the ‘real’ world seems in fact unreal. Reality will become blurred with the game world of Azeroth, and subjects often find themselves attacking cats and the homeless in the street with wooden poles in the belief this will grant them what they refer to as ‘XP’. One case was seen to repeatedly consider his life as a series of ‘quests’, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend, as after a night of passion, he claimed that she had allowed him to ‘level up’. He was later seen dressed in a towel throwing breakfast cereal at passing cars, claiming the cereal was, in fact, a level 28 Fireball spell. Riot police had no option but to use lethal force.
GAME: Test Drive Unlimited 1 and 2
PSYCHOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A balmy tropical island, an array of the most expensive performance cars available and the option to customise this deceiving and false world is far from innocent escapism. This world of aspiration is a cage. Many of us live mundane, routine lives of work or study, and our essential ego seeks to be inflated where it can. The Hawaiian island of Oahu is just such a place, allowing gamers to live a life devoid of responsibility. The true problem, however, is that this game will soon turn even the most homely gamer into a swaggering, arrogant, self-obsessed peacock, diseased with the classic symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a deluded sense of self-obsession. The driving aspect of the game is almost secondary to the gaudy world of designer labels and playboy ambition, and players who have won themselves the coolest car and the hottest threads in the game world soon allow this vapid triumph to run amok with their ravenous egos. In his delusion, case study A believed that he was cruising the beach roads in his supernova yellow Aston Martin, dressed in Ben Sherman’s finest, with the essential breaks oozing from the stereo. In reality, this deluded narcissist was in fact driving a crumbling Volkswagen Polo, dressed in a soiled shell suit and listening to M-People in his tinny car radio. Many are dubbing this the ‘Katie Price Narcissism Syndrome’
Surface_Lizard signing out
Surface_Lizard was lobotomised at an early age to prevent the onset of psychosis. Even now, he games with one eye closed to reduce the psychological damage from those talking devil-box television sets.